A Little Inspiration

Have you ever felt completely unmotivated? I'm not talking about when you don't feel like taking out the trash. I'm talking about when you are so burnt out you don't even have the motivation to visit a friend. Or do any of the MAJOR homework assignments that you should be doing... That's exactly where I am at right now. I should be panicked about all of the work I have to complete in the next two weeks but the truth is that I couldn't care less about it. I work so hard to get the money for school and now i'm not certain that my grades will be able to live up to my expectations. Failing yourself is perhaps worse than failing your parents. At least, that's how I've come to see things. Even writing in this blog right now is a final attempt on procrastination before I really have to work. I find that I go through phases of intense motivation and that extreme procrastination. I guess I just need a little inspiration to get me going. Without it i'm toast. So here's hoping for a little inspiration to come my way!

Cloud in the Sky

Life has been very difficult the last two months. Stephen broke all of his promises to me and we aren't talking right now. He broke up with me and I've been taking it really hard. This is a very confusing time in my life and I am trying very hard to trust God to guide me. I'm usually okay if there are people around me but when i'm alone I feel lost and abandoned. I'm so hurt some days I wish I didn't exist. There is a physical pain in my chest that won't go away and i can't stop crying. My schooling has gone completely downhill despite my second year being easier. It's really difficult to focus on anything. Hard to put on a smile for the world and pretend i'm not dead inside. Pretend that i'm still Rachel. But i'm not. I'm much much different. I'm hardened and bitter, crushed and do not trust. The person I trusted most in the world also hurt me the deepest. There are no surprises now. Nothing is withstanding or reliable. Nothing human anyways. This all sounds so dramatic but this is actually how I feel. I'm just letting time pass...

Fine Like Wine

The older a person gets, the more they learn, the wiser they become. No-one can concieve the next stage of life until they have entered it. I've entered a new stage. I feel sobre, tamed or forcibly calmed. As though the playfulness and optimism has been beaten out of me. Pressed through the middle i've come out a different person. Perhaps it's not a bad thing. I'm smarter than I once was, and I will continue to learn and be patient. Still. I can't shake the feeling that i've been broken. My interests have changed and my personality has shifted. Again, not bad. Just different. I'm just not used to this yet, I still cling to my last stage even though i've already entered a different one. Who knows why maybe when i'm older i'll understand this too. For now i'm going to push and try to keep my essence from fading.

A Penny for a Thought

I have a lot of plans for my life. But right now i'm just trying to get through school. I've always wanted to just get it over with. Lately though i've come to realise that it's important that I enjoy what i'm doing right now. If I just want the next couple of years to be "over-with" they will be wasted years. It's hard to see past all of the stress and frustration with school, life and lack of independence and money, but I need to be able to enjoy life right now. I'm finding it hard to be satisfied with the position i'm in. There wasn't much relaxing during reading week either which is unfortunate. It feels as though there wasn't a reading week at all. This is all probably a result of not enough sleep and my deep and passionate hate for school but I don't want to be miserable. I've had to turn down roles in musicals because of school and work. Perhaps it just feels like I'm giving up what I love for something that I don't love and am wondering where it will get me in the end.

The Sound of Music

Wow, it's been a while. So this month is musical crunch time. All exams are happening. I have my music jury tomorrow so that's gonna be fun. The next two weeks exams and play practice will ensue. I just had my choir performance at the Winspear last night which went quite well but I ended up getting home at midnight. Yuck. The night before last I lost my wallet and had to go back to the school to get it which landed me home at 11:30. Oh the Joys of being forgetful. The musical (Joseph and the Tecnicolor Dreamcoat) is almost perfect put I need to get my headshot in. I just keep forgetting. My voice instructor finally has good things to say about me and said that I sounded like a young, Puccini soprano in my practice performance. I actually managed to impress her. Never did I see this day coming. So yes, things are going better. But I need a break. I am not doing another play next year. This is just too much for me to handle. However, at the same time it's the only thing keeping me sane. I'm also working as well as play performances over the Christmas break aka I don't get a Christmas break. Take my advice, DO NOT pull a 'Rachel' and deny yourself a Chritmas holiday. This is going to be the death of me!

Movin' Right Along

Despite the stress of school and pressures of life little Rachel is still chugging along. The end of the school semester is closing in and the play opens in a month! EEK! I will be performing one of four songs for my peers on Friday and I find myself in a slight panic. I have one song that I can sing off book. Heh, the other three are coming, but slowly. It certainly doesn't help that one is eight pages long and that none of them are in English *sigh* all I wanted was one song in English. Maybe next semester. Anyways, i've gotten the majority of my Christmas shopping done. Yes, already. My December is too packed think about shopping. Had to write a letter today telling my supervisor that I wouldn't be available to work until December 18th. Ouch! They won't fire me though, they need me too much. Not that i'd be broken hearted if they did. Also, i've made the decision to purchase a camera. Not a super expensive one. Just a couple hundred dollars. I've always wanted one, and I need to start taking pictures. Especially now that I have a blog to put pictures on. haha. Well that's all of the incredibly exciting news in my life!

Bouncing Back

November is official blogging month but i'm afraid i haven't been able to blog every day like I wanted to. Anyways, the past week has been a huge struggle for me. At school I have been getting low marks (despite my constant efforts) and my life is way too full for me to cope with. On friday Stephen asked me if I would be able to drive him to the airport and I agreed. When I arrived at his house he met me at the door with a dozen roses and gas money. He knew that I was having a rough week. What a sweetie. Speaking of Stephen, he is getting his hair cut tomorrow! (Although somewhat reluctantly) I'm excited though! haha. Thursday night I had a breakdown and was seriously considering dropping out of school. I felt like God wasn't taking care of me and I told Him how I was feeling about my life. On Saturday night the church service focussed on confession and I poured out everything to God that night. All of my sins and all of my feelings. Next thing I know people are giving me money and i'm being serenaded in encouraged from every direction. God made it clear that where I am is right where He wants me. I've been blown away by His grace. It happened really fast. My head is still spinning. I went from severe depression to being filled with hope and ecouragment. I didn't think that I could ever feel like this again. So with a renewed hope and faith in God, I am continuing to stay in school and dream big. God will reveal His plans for me all in due time.

Too Much!

Alrighty, so school is really starting to wear me out. I have no life. Which is to be expected I suppose, but all I do is work. I barely have time to do all of my homework. It doesn't help that my teachers are so discouraging. And not to mention my director for the play i'm in. I feel she is too harsh. I'm a sensitive person so i don't take to harsh HARSH and uncalled for criticism very well. I need to do something to cheer myself up. Perhaps be around some more positive people. I am counting down the days until the end of the semester. The torture needs to end! If anyone is reading this please keep me in your prayers, i need all I can get. In other news, my history essay is now completed. woot! I never want to look at in again. Except perhaps to see a big A+ on it haha. Hey, why not shoot for the moon right? Only one more huge assignment to go! Also, the play is coming along quite nicely. It's going to be super cheesy. I love it. I will write a longer blog later, but I have to get up early tomorrow so it's bedtime for me!

It's Worth a Shot!

So starting a blog sounds like a good idea. Especially since I despise my own handwriting!
I think this will be a good place to let stress out and talk about my day. Since I am a university student, work and am involved in a play, I am really busy, but hopefully I will be able to have enough time to write in this blog. Sarah just got married. It honestly blows my mind. It also makes me want to get married even though I know the time is not right for me right now. I suppose all weddings make people feel that way. I'm so happy for her though. She is where so belongs. On a not so cheery note, I missed more play practice because I had a midterm to study. Astronomy (oh joy). I probably won't have any sort of social activity this week as I have solid study, work and play practice. I really should get out though. At least once a week. Church is starting to come second to work and that is not okay with me. Especially since we just had a sermon about taking time once a week to relax. I am in fact breaking one of the ten commandments! I don't think most people realize that over working yourself is a sin. There simply doesn't seem to be a way around it though. Well I have that midterm tomorrow so it's off to bed with me. I think i'm going to enjoy this. I'm better at writing than I am speaking. A toast to my first blog post!