Cloud in the Sky

Life has been very difficult the last two months. Stephen broke all of his promises to me and we aren't talking right now. He broke up with me and I've been taking it really hard. This is a very confusing time in my life and I am trying very hard to trust God to guide me. I'm usually okay if there are people around me but when i'm alone I feel lost and abandoned. I'm so hurt some days I wish I didn't exist. There is a physical pain in my chest that won't go away and i can't stop crying. My schooling has gone completely downhill despite my second year being easier. It's really difficult to focus on anything. Hard to put on a smile for the world and pretend i'm not dead inside. Pretend that i'm still Rachel. But i'm not. I'm much much different. I'm hardened and bitter, crushed and do not trust. The person I trusted most in the world also hurt me the deepest. There are no surprises now. Nothing is withstanding or reliable. Nothing human anyways. This all sounds so dramatic but this is actually how I feel. I'm just letting time pass...

Fine Like Wine

The older a person gets, the more they learn, the wiser they become. No-one can concieve the next stage of life until they have entered it. I've entered a new stage. I feel sobre, tamed or forcibly calmed. As though the playfulness and optimism has been beaten out of me. Pressed through the middle i've come out a different person. Perhaps it's not a bad thing. I'm smarter than I once was, and I will continue to learn and be patient. Still. I can't shake the feeling that i've been broken. My interests have changed and my personality has shifted. Again, not bad. Just different. I'm just not used to this yet, I still cling to my last stage even though i've already entered a different one. Who knows why maybe when i'm older i'll understand this too. For now i'm going to push and try to keep my essence from fading.

A Penny for a Thought

I have a lot of plans for my life. But right now i'm just trying to get through school. I've always wanted to just get it over with. Lately though i've come to realise that it's important that I enjoy what i'm doing right now. If I just want the next couple of years to be "over-with" they will be wasted years. It's hard to see past all of the stress and frustration with school, life and lack of independence and money, but I need to be able to enjoy life right now. I'm finding it hard to be satisfied with the position i'm in. There wasn't much relaxing during reading week either which is unfortunate. It feels as though there wasn't a reading week at all. This is all probably a result of not enough sleep and my deep and passionate hate for school but I don't want to be miserable. I've had to turn down roles in musicals because of school and work. Perhaps it just feels like I'm giving up what I love for something that I don't love and am wondering where it will get me in the end.